my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
