I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
