HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
