My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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