Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
