I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
