that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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