Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize