I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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