Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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