in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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