i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
