I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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