chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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