My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
