the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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