If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
