That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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