Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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