I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
