Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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