im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
