he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
