wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize