man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he shaved USA in his pubs
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he fucked my hip out of place.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
