Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
