maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
