I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
