she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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