Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
