it hurts more in the daytime
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
