Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
