Four minutes until I can fart!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
