Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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