I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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