taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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