Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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