I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
