Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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