shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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