I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
