i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
