How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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