she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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