I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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