Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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