dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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