Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
