You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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