There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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