I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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