searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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