He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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