i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
