do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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