your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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