tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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