So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
