I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
