Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize