according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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